still too hard

i thought i would be ok for work today seeing that i was planning on drowning myself in monday paperwork.  sadly, this paperwork never materialized and i find myself procrastinating daily tasks and my mind begins to wander.

i should have stayed at home, but then again i do wonder whether staying at home would have been worse.  but at least there i didn't have to pretend everything was ok or have to close a door due to unplanned tears, i could have drowned in daytime talk tv and in pupster cuddles.  yes, cuddles, that would have been better.

"want to join me?" yes, please yes.

too hard...

i know you can't really read it, and i meant for it to just melt into the background, but it says sometimes it's too hard.  and you know, sometimes it is.

it's only the 4th of the new year but i feel like it's too hard.  this year started so damn hopeful and quickly just fell.  what can i say?  dreams and hopes and hidden wishes just ripped open to the cold and flew away.

am i being dramatic.  yes, i am being overly dramatic.  but somehow today, and for the next week, i deserve it.  my pity party is well under way and i deserve it.  maybe in a few weeks i can write about it because i am trying to be a bit more open in my life, but right now, i get to keep it to myself.

undiagnosed add

would you call it adhd or add?  or is it aadd?  seriously, every day is a cycle of me waking up and then being pulled in ten a hundred different directions.  even my dreams have me going every which way (mazes are never fun subjects for dreams).  so every night, after a day of being ripped apart, i conclude to myself that i must be suffering from an undiagnosed attention deficit disorder.  why couldn't my doctor ever catch this because i am definitely diagnosing me so well.  i jump from one task to another, shiny things have me all a flutter, and i always lose my train of..... oooooh shiny!

it really doesn't help that i am planning on giving my notice at work and that next week i have a date, a very important date, but those are just mere excuses for me being unable to focus on things that actually matter in life.  my house for one is in shambles and causes me so much angst and laziness.  i see this pile of crap and my add side says shiny while my perfectionist side says this needs to be taken care of quietly, all while my real side says run away!!! 

more times than not, i run away, silently screaming and wringing my hands.  it's so victorian to wring ones hands, right?  well whatever era its from, somehow i've picked it up.  it makes my freaking out so much more sophisticated, don't you think? 

so the real purpose of this post is introduce myself.  i've finally caved and started a new blog, a public blog.  it's not a new years resolution or goal just something i've been meaning to start for many years.  i'm late to the bandwagon, but who cares, i'm finally.... shiny *ahem* on board!  silently congratulate me for starting something... late.

[ insert picture here ]

i'll get to it once i take a look at this article and that website and.... shiny!